30.11.08

No Good.

Why has the Holiday season become so food oriented?
I realize it's everyone's favorite pass time but ...
isn't there more? can't people be more creative with
how they spend their time??


I've even had sort of withdrawn reactions from people
if I suggest we just go get juice or tea somewhere around
dinner time rather than an actual meal...
Is this so bizarre??

It's not the food I want, it's the company.



.



Anyhow... I haven't been feeling myself at all
lately, very lethargic actually. I think my body is just
completely overloaded. This seems to happen
when I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders
and even though it's not...and even though I know I am not
all of my mothers problems, I still absorb them and take
them on as if I have to fix everything.
I have to make everything better, because I feel like
everything is always my responsibility.


I was raised being blamed for everything that went wrong..
(and right); as well as in a harshly critical environment.
So this is why I revert to this mentality when I am
around my mother, because she was the source of the criticism.
And even though she's a completely different person now...
there is still a small child inside of me that seeks
intense admiration and validation from those I love.
Even though I have accomplished more than most
in this lifetime, I still do everything I do.. as if it is not enough.
Like I haven't done enough to satisfy what it is inside of me
about to boil over...


.



I suppose I am not the type to 'reach out' when in need...
I always feel like I can do it on my own.. and I can, but
I am wearing down soo much these days I just don't feel me.


I start cleansing soon, I've decided all juice because... well,
why not? Although I do plan on superfood smoothies as well
later on. I really need to cleanse to keep me sane right now..
otherwise I would just fall into my mothers purgatory.
It's her life, but...it's not mine.. and anytime I am around her;
she never bends. I am always the one that has to bend...
I have to become pliable but I feel like I'm about to break.

I feel sedated and anti-social(even though I've been social);
and just... not me..



I look forward to this long cleanse.

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